The Journal of Jimmy Haines - 2nd January 2018
First day back after the Christmas holiday. I’d rather drive off a cliff. I’m stuck in a windowless office at a shitty hotel in Newcastle-under-Lyme. The laptop’s slow as fuck, so there’s nothing to do. Frederick’s still at his holiday home in Aussois but not due back for a fortnight. He’ll probably call me from there. I can’t believe this pretentious git is actually paying me.
I’ve been at this job for a year now, and I haven’t done anything else with my life. Even my writing has been little more than blog posts and sneaky workplace Twitter. My book, The Laughing Swordsman, has sat neglected all this time.
I wish I was Errol Hawke. He’s my swashbuckling protagonist. He wouldn’t take the kind of crap I’m dealing with right now. I’d love to travel the world in search of adventure, while indulging in wine, women, and song. I want to finish The Laughing Swordsman and send it off. But when I get home in the evenings, I don’t feel like writing. To make things worse, my parents are doing Dry January so I’ll be drinking alone for a month. Since this job is denying me the best means of escaping the real world, the last thing I want to be is sober.
Twitter, TV Tropes, and the Internet Movie Script Database take up my time. I need to send off the weekly review for the hotel, but I think that can wait. I work five days a week with only four weeks of holiday a year, and my bloody manager claims that’s too much. When the director of the company is off for three weeks in the French Alps, makes one call a day and then goes skiing, he’ll find himself dealing with a burnt-out writer who really doesn’t feel like doing anything productive. Pirates and Emperors, mate.
Carlton Wesley Ltd Notice of Dismissal – 31st May 2018
Dear Mr Haines,
We regret to inform you that we are terminating your contract of employment due to misuse of company IT resources. The board of directors has determined your actions to be gross misconduct, and thus grounds for immediate dismissal.
You will be taken off our payroll on 7th June 2018. A P45 will be issued in due course.
We wish you every success in your future endeavours.
Yours sincerely
Frederick Carlton
Director
Carlton Wesley Ltd
The Journal of Jimmy Haines – 31st May 2018
I got fired today. After many months of ranting about my job on Twitter, this surreptitious scoundrel finally got caught. My parents weren’t surprised; they saw my tweets previously and confronted me about it. I didn’t care then and I don’t care now; Pirates and Emperors. I’m glad to be gone, and looking forward to enjoying a few perks of unemployment: I can catch up on lost sleep; the pile of books I haven’t got around to reading can get smaller; I can also revise The Laughing Swordsman. Except my parents will be wanting me to find another job. They threatened to kick me out of the house when I said I didn’t want another one.
To be honest, I think it’s time to pack this kind of work in. Accountancy isn’t my career and I don’t have kids. I shouldn’t have to do it for five days a week. I’ve decided that I want to take time out. Perhaps go to university. Study for a creative writing degree. As soon as I broke the news, I went upstairs and made a start on the application. De Montfort sounds like a nice bet.
The reference is going to be a pain. I suspect Frederick won’t be depicting me in the best light. I certainly won’t be depicting him in the best light.
FW: UCAS Reference Request – Alistair McConnell, 13th June 2018
Dear Alistair McConnell
Your reference for Mr James Haines has now been received. The applicant will now be able to complete and send their application to us, we will contact them by email if they have provided a verified email address.
“James Haines worked for our business in Brownhills. He joined the company on a voluntary basis and carried out this for around 3 months. After this period we gave him a temporary contract for around another year. He carried out his duties diligently and integrated into the team very easily. Despite travelling a distance to work he did not have any absence or lateness in his time with us, even when working on a voluntary basis. James is an enthusiastic character, particularly when it comes to his writing. During his time with us he spent his annual holiday going to a residential writing course which he enjoyed immensely. He will undoubtedly take any opportunity that he receives seriously and apply himself 100% to making a success of it.”
Thank you for your time in this matter.
Note: this is an automated email, so please do not reply to this address.
Yours sincerely,
UCAS Customer Contact Centre
The Journal of Jimmy Haines – 15th June 2018
Fortune smiles upon me! Seeking a reference, I contacted my old boss from the skip factory I worked at before Carlton Wesley. While I only sought a reference, I’ve now been offered employment over the summer. It’s further away than Stoke, and the pay’s not as great, but it’s only three days a week, leaving me some dedicated writing days. On top of that, there are some people I worked with whom I genuinely miss. There were also some truly insufferable managers and supervisors, but I’m reliably informed that they aren’t working there anymore.
The work will involve working on the front desk, but I’m being re-hired as a receptionist rather than an accountant. That’s a relief, because it means I don’t have to do both jobs at once.
Best of all, it keeps my parents off my back.
DMU: Creative Writing – Offer – Invitation – 26th June 2018
Dear James
Thank you for your application for Creative Writing at De Montfort University. We are very pleased to make you an offer on the course.
Details of your offer will be available on UCAS Track shortly.
If you wish to accept our offer, make us your firm choice via UCAS.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Best wishes,
Admissions Team
Arts, Design and Humanities
The Journal of Jimmy Haines – 26th June 2018
Faith and fortune has seen me through; I’ve had an offer! I received the email while I was at work, and cheered. While I initially tried to avoid going on social media at the workplace, I broke that precedent to share the news on Facebook. I broke the news to my parents when I got home. And I broke open a bottle of Champagne to celebrate.
For the first time in a long time, I’m genuinely excited about the future. After six years in financial roles, it will be an adventure. I’m also making some headway on my revision of The Laughing Swordsman, thanks to the three-day week. I might even be able to send it off before I move out.
I’m going to a writers’ retreat in August to kick back and develop the story with some help from my peers. Either way, I’m taking the offer. Anywhere seems better than Stoke.
I’ll be needing to pack soon.
Email from Alistair McConnell to James Haines – 19th September 2018
Hi Jimmy
Thanks for the work you have put in during your time here.
I wish you all the best during your time at university, and look forward to reading The Laughing Swordsman in the future. Just don’t go too crazy with your research and end up getting syphilis.
Kind regards
Alistair McConnell
Director
Steel Skips Ltd
The Journal of Jimmy Haines – 19th September 2018
I once again embrace the call of freedom! Today was my last day at the skip factory. I must confess that I wasn’t particularly looking for another job after leaving Carlton Wesley. In fact, I didn’t want one. Nonetheless, they offered me a second chance and I took it.
On Sunday, I move to my new lodgings in Leicester. I can’t wait to move out of my parents’ house, meet new writers, and learn some new writing techniques. Not to mention the societies I missed out on when I was an apprentice.
I’ve even managed to finish my revision of The Laughing Swordsman and send that off. I won’t have much time once classes start, and I’ll have plenty of adventures to go on.
I’ll chase the horizon, in whichever way the wind blows.
I still need to pack.
14th October 2018
Adventure awaits! I’ve joined the university’s fencing club, hoping it might give me some inspiration. Or perhaps it can be considered “research” for the swordfights I’m putting on paper. Training is usually with epee, but I’m tempted by sabre fencing. Even the instructors compare it to “Musketeer fencing”, probably because of the design of the guard.
I love the swashbuckling feeling when I’m wired up on piste. Putting a worthy adversary in their place with a precise attack makes feel like Errol Hawke. I could be reversing their attack with a successful riposte or beating aside their blade and delivering a lunge. I might even compete in the BUCS fixtures. I can see it all now; a fencer from De Montfort scoring the winning point in the Varsity match with a rakish cackle.
The club also offers some great socials. I’ve found some really good ales at the local pubs, and have even started drinking rum. That’s also research. Errol Hawke often drinks rum when he’s travelling in the Caribbean and battling pirates.
Pulp Literature Submission Response – 30th November 2018
Dear Mr Haines
Thank you for registering your interest in us and submitting your story, The Laughing Swordsman.
While have taken the time to read it and found it to have potential, we regret to inform you that your submission was unsuccessful.
We hope you are not dissuaded by this, and wish you every success in the future.
Kind regards
Pulp Literature
The Journal of Jimmy Haines – 30th November 2018
Well, The Laughing Swordsman had another rejection. I’m disappointed, but this is the career that I’ve picked. Rejection comes with the territory, and it isn’t my first rejection. It was just a shame that there weren’t any interesting phrases I could steal.
9th December 2018
Flashing blades at dawn! We had a small tournament at today’s fencing practice, and we’ve got the Christmas meal tonight. I still need to work on my lunge, but my parrying is getting better. I seem to have developed a more defensive style with constant disengages. It’s good for epee but hard to master with sabre because priority requires a more aggressive play style. That said, I could pull it off as long as I don’t get hit, then priority won’t be an issue.
I suppose it stems from how I wrote Errol Hawke favouring a rapier. Against opponents armed with cutlasses, he would forgo thrusts in favour of more manoeuvrable but less effective cuts, and constantly disengages to keep his distance the advantage of reach he has.
Anyway, there will be a definite feast at The Soar Point tonight, with ale, wine, and rum aplenty.
31st December 2018
It’s almost midnight, and I’m looking over the events of the past year. You know you’re in a bad place when getting fired ends up being the best thing which ever happens to you. I’m a lot happier at university than I ever was in work.
I’m a little disappointed that The Laughing Swordsman was rejected. However, this is no matter: I’ve bitten my thumb at a pompous authority figure, severed the ties holding me down, and learned the way of the sword. Perhaps I can win a few hearts.
I am Errol Hawke, and I seek adventure.
Andrew Roberts has been writing as a hobby since the age of 17. After struggling to fit this around a full-time accounts job, he decided to take some time out to study Creative Writing at university.
He hopes to develop a swashbuckler series featuring the wandering rogues Kestrel and Scar
